It’s been awhile between posts. I’ve been quietly working away behind the scenes. As you likely know journal writing for the purpose of creating a happy, healthy, meaningful life is one of my main passions. Part of my commitment to offering the best products, services & value to people through Journal Junky is to continue to work on me.

For me ‘working’ on myself is about a couple of things. One is obviously learning and practising new skills. Another is about freeing myself up from the fears, doubts & limiting beliefs I hold that keep me stuck, small and afraid to really shine as brightly as I can & make my offering in the world in a big meaningful way.

For over a year now I’ve been working away at establishing Journal Junky as a go to business for all things journal writing. And I’ve been telling myself that I’ve been doing my very best. Trying as hard as I can & giving all I’ve got. Mean while I’ve secretly (or not so secretly if you’re in my inner circle of friends J) been sooking – that despite my best efforts I’m just not making the sales or getting the results that I really want and need.

I’m currently 21days into ‘The Immersion Solution’. This is an intensive program of inner work. Morning and evening meditations daily & coaching calls 3 times a week. This is a program that is all about clearing blocks, stepping into one’s personal power and consciously creating a life that you love.

I’ve been sticking with the program diligently even though some times another meditation is the last thing I want to do! And finally yesterday a break through! I’m excited and a little scared to share it with you.

So I’ve been wondering and wondering, what is it that’s holding me back in achieving my Journal Junky goals? I’m totally passionate about this amazing tool. I’ve experienced the powerful positive difference it’s made in my life. I know it works and I want everyone to understand this tool for themselves. & I’m pretty good at teaching it.

On the surface I’ve been doing the things. I’ve been blogging, well from time to time. Vlogging, facebooking, email promoting. I’ve been holding work shops, attending work shops & networking. I’ve been taking all the actions that ‘should’ lead to sales & business success. Yet still the results have been SLOW. And I’ve been feeling like a sooking victim about it.

The problem has eluded me. I kept wanting to blame. Like it’s the worlds fault, people just don’t know a good thing when they’re offered it. People don’t want to spend money on developing themselves. People don’t value what I do. Etc, very sooky, not very supportive and a little embarrassing to admit.

My break through I guess has been building and its come from my sincere desire to want to move past this stuck place. Yesterday on top of my meditations, I had a polarity therapy treatment with Narelle from Blessed Health (here in Gawler SA). She started by asking me what I hoped to get out of the session.  Which I explained was to get myself unstuck and move into having Journal Junky be the thriving, successful business I know it can be.

Narelle was fab in asking some very good questions that had me looking at my situation in a whole new way. For me the realisation is that there are some really important aspects of my life now that I LOVE LOVE LOVE. Mostly my friends and the flexibility I now enjoy. And I have a BIG FAT FEAR (a sneaky one that’s been hiding) that if Journal Junky takes off my friendships will suffer. I don’t know if that’s true at all? Knowing my friends probably not, but still it’s been lurking under the surface affecting the energy of every action I take.

And then today I went even deeper. This is even scarier to share because it’s a deeper more private part of myself I guess. But bugger it, I’m sharing anyway. I’m thinking if you’re reading there’s probably something helpful here for you too.

Today’s meditation was on ambivalence. The inner conflict between a strong YES & a strong NO. My strong YES is, really go all out, do everything in my power to shine brightly in the world. To make Journal Junky all it can be. To reach as many people as possible. To bring the benefits of journal writing to the main stream. And even more than that to just fearlessly be me & share my gifts with calm confidence (rather than in the nervous Nelly fashion I have been employing).

My strong NO is I’m actually terrified of my own very driven and ambitious nature. This is a part of myself I work hard to keep under wraps much of the time. Even though I think most of my friends would agree I’m quite driven and ambitious, what they’ve seen is a watered down, suppressed, tip of the ice berg type glimpse of the scale of my true ambition. My vision is HUGE!

It’s not the scale of my vision that scares me, it’s actually the ‘what will I do to get there?’

And my strong No is all about that. There is a big fat fear in me that if I give myself permission to pursue my ambitious business & even financial goals that I will loose my humanity in the process. I’ve been scared that in truly indulging my love of business & my desire for worldly success that I might become insensitive & disconnected from the people I love.

Which is very interesting to me. It’s interesting that for some reason I’ve thought that I can have one or the other. Business success, wealth etc OR close loving relationships with people. Odd even. Why would I think that I can’t have both? I don’t know. I do know I’ve had this same idea come into my awareness before & I thought I cleared it then. But I think this is a deep issue for me and there are likely lots of layers.

I’m hoping by outing myself and sharing my personal truth & fear with you that I have at least peeled back another thick layer. And that in doing so I’ll be freed up to be more willing & more able to more fully offer my gifts to you & the world through Journal Junky and my other work.

Thanks for taking the time to read all these words guys! Please leave me a comment or send me a message I’d love to hear if there’s anything in my breakthrough that you can relate to??

All my Love, Soli xoxox 🙂